Check Your Footprints

I never realized how not-grown-up I really was until I started thinking and acting as if I were. I came into college suddenly believing that I knew it all. Studying? Effort? Those were words that had never applied to me. And college would be no different, right? Especially in an English class- I'd never had to lift a finger.

Me in high school

E603A was a grand slap in the face.

I was suddenly surrounded by people just as intelligent and capable as me- what's more is that they applied themselves. That was something I'd never seen before. In high school, a great amount of diligence usually indicated a lack of intelligence. It was looked down upon- oh, you try, because you're not naturally talented. And the unfairness was accepted. The more intelligent and creative kids got away with all kinds of laziness. Looking back on it, I'd never realized how lazy, arrogant, and utterly disgusting I was. This class created a newfound respect in my eyes for those diligent people. People who got up everyday with an agenda, people who had control over their immediate desires. I woke up every morning 5 minutes after I had to and stumbled to class in my pajamas with excuses. It was frustrating, because I realized that I had no control over myself. I was just like a baby- when I wanted to sleep, I slept. When I wanted to eat, I ate immediately. If I wanted to hang out, I was going to hang out- let the homework pile up. I couldn't do it till I got recreation out of my system. I gave in immediately to whatever urge I had. That's when I realized that I had only experienced the tip of the iceberg- these were the baby steps, and I had a ways to go.

Yeah, the lazy one laying down was definitely me.

Perhaps the most personally impacting lesson I experienced in this class was the series on childhood. I hadn't given much thought to my childhood in quite some time, but revisiting my long-gone mindset granted me a great dose of humility. I had dreams then. I was devoid of them now. I had ambition, work ethic, and an amazing attitude towards life. I wanted to live it to the fullest, leave my mark on the world, pursue a hundred hobbies while allowing my mind to hungrily feed on all the knowledge I could obtain. I read books for pleasure every day of my life until 9th grade. What happened to that girl, so full of potential and spirit? I'd become lethargic and uninspired. It saddened me. Everyone else had patted me on the back and told me I was amazing and achieved for so long, that I'd never asked myself if I had met my own standards. For they can only see the surface, and only I can judge the inside. I was truly pathetic.

I'd lost that essential passion for everyday life.

Over winter break, I set out to redefine myself. I read for pleasure, took interest in the well-being of all those around me, never procrastinated, and remained positive and efficient. Since I've been back, I've gotten up 5 minutes before my alarm clock every day and leisurely prepared for class, dancing and singing to start off the morning. Others have noticed it too. Last semester there was a perpetual cloud of gloom surrounding me, but since I've been back not one person has failed to comment on how happy I seem to be. I owe it all to that lesson on childhood, which truly allowed me to realize that little miss-i've-got-this-under-control really hadn't grown an inch.

So stop and check your footprints- look back on what you've done, and I think you'll find that those little feet are quite a bit smaller than you'd thought.

In retrospect, we're all little girls who were right at that moment.